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September 11, 2001
Golf War

A week after my Virginia State victory, I reluctantly told my mother, brother Darrel, and his wife (Wendi) they could drive out and visit me for a week. I wasn't up to it emotionally...but it wasn't too bad. I met them at Wendy's on Sunday, September 9th and showed my gold medal to them. Mom told me her doctor didn't allow her to eat chocolate, but she never listens to him, and by the time I said,"But Mom, it's not..." she had a gold chip on her tooth. She LOVES chocolate. I had to pull the medal from her by horse.

On September 11, we played Putt-Putt Golf. I didn't take any photos so most of these are of my mother and I (my brother shot them). We all did poorly that day, although I sucked the least and won the game (first time ever), beating my mother, toppling the Queen of Putt-Putt by a stroke. She's a pretty decent gopher.

I know my younger sister, Brenda, feels left out on these trips, being stuck at home with her new baby, Aaron, screaming and crapping all over her, so I tried to include her in the photos, even if she wasn't really there. See if you can find her. And just to be sure I felt her pain, I had Wendi throw up on me (she jumped up and down and screamed,"Me! Me! Me!" when I asked for a volunteer), and I wore the same pants for three days without using a restroom. We couldn't find a bonnet in my size. Here's day one:

Please God don't make me suck as much as them
Age and grace...Mom doing her tripod impression...
Please God make Michael suck more than me!
Then we went to the "Virginia Living Museum" and Darrel asked me to pose for this photo. Mom and Wendi are both smiling
because they're not the one having a stroke. I was feeling a little mushy by then:
Michael is really stupid...hehehe...get a picture Darrel...he's stupid
Then we went to Busch Gardens, where security was so tight they were strip-searching everyone to make sure we didn't bring a thermonuclear device into the park. I had to leave mine in Darrel's car.
We made the mistake of visiting the petting zoo first. I got real cozy with a goat and he ate half my map (for real--no joke). After that, when Darrel would ask me to look up something on my map I'd usually have to reply,"Uhhh...don't know where that is, the goat ate that part". I sifted through some poo to find the restrooms. Then we did all these things:
That damn goat...I thought this was supposed to be a boat ride!!!
Mother and I tried out some new fashion...she's normally not too brave when it comes to fashion (she once wore black hose, and we heard about it for a year). However, I convinced her that Jack and Jackie Kennedy wore this to France on their famous visit during Camelot. I don't know what Marilyn Monroe wore.

Did Jackie Kennedy really wear this hat to France in 1961?
Drinking from a LLLLizard...as Mommy (Where's Waldo?) looks on:
Kiss it! Kiss that lizard boy! Make your Mamma proud!
We played a trick on Mommy. We got on a boat and were doing musical chairs I guess you could say...we quickly all moved to different benches just before the boat started moving and she was stuck by herself. You can't move once the boat starts moving--they'll shoot you. Here she is thinking about pot roast.
Oh dear...I wish Michael's map hadn't been eaten by that goat. I thought this was a rollercoaster
Wendi was feeling berry blue that day...
Michael does an impression of Farrah Fawcett while Wendi pretends she's a background color on a website
It was very cold that day and Mother and I dressed for a warm day so we froze our nuts off (we were storing them for the winter and Mom was way ahead of me). These photos were taken towards the end of the day as we were trying to keep warm. I was so afraid she'd try to cuddle. Brenda's hand showed up, by the way.

The giant green angel thinks Mommy is a flag that needs a flag pole...and tries to pole her
Re-enacting a musical number from "Grease"...I'm Danny and Mom is playing the slut.
Still, it did nothing towards keeping me warm (I'm sure you are all very relieved at that!).
I finally found a slow tourist, lit him on fire, and that did the trick.
At least Brenda Belly Bag was happy
You're the one that I want (you are the one I want), eww, eww, eww, Mommy!
And this was taken by Darrel's car on September 15, just before it drove away. I inflated his tires, but due to my stroke, only did one side.
Or perhaps this was our RMS Titanic impression. They say she wouldn't have sunk if only Wendi was flooded, but once Darrel had a leak, the family was doomed to sink, and there's Brenda, ignoring my folded-arm distress signal. Sad story. Actually, I think this is the only time we did this---no one wanted to be Wendi. I still don't know why no one thought of climbing on board the iceberg. according to early newspaper reports the height and length of the iceberg was approximated at 50 to 100 feet high and 200 to 400 feet long. It didn't sink, and was a lot warmer than swimming in the 28F degree North Atlantic. Next time you get an ant caught in your iced tea, see how quickly it clings to the ice. He knows I'm right

Oh right, back to the story!


At the count of three, lean!
During the visit, as often happens when I'm with my family, I caught a cold. So the tearful goodbye was actually a warm-up for a sneeze in the face. It's hard to handle my family by myself. And to top it off, a few days after they left I got a call from my mother--my favorite uncle, Lawrence, had a stroke. This was very bad news. It had happened the week of the visit and no one was able to get in touch with us. He was paralyzed but stable.