Losing It


August 15, 2002

When seko returned it was as it always had been...dead. I was so happy to see her but I felt overwhelmed. We planned to go to Charlottesville together where she'd play a few days with the symphony and then head off to Indiana together to see my mother. I'd ride my bicycle in the mountains and get my strength back for the state time trial, just a few weeks away, while seko would rehearse. The local shop had fixed my bicycle to the point where I could ride it safely, although the steering was loose. I'd just purchased rental property and was having a very hard time contacting the tenants. There were four tenants and I'd only made contact with two while house payments were $1300 and I had little cash left after the purchase. Then my mother phoned me one night and told me...she had breast cancer. I hadn't told seko yet...it was getting to be too much.

I went to bed that night while seko had anxiety attacks or something. She was in the living room acting very strange...sweating. She said she was okay but seemed like she wasn't. My eyes swelled up and I didn't want to bother her with it but over the night my lips had swelled, I was itching all over my body, and broke out in sores from head to toe. With my eyes nearly swelled shut, I limped into the living room in the morning and woke seko..."I'm driving to the emergency room at Ft. Eustis". She took one look at me, her eyes got big, and she said,"Oh my God what happened to you???" She rushed me to the hospital and they immediately quarantined me. Was it leprosy after all??? After a few hours they couldn't figure what was wrong. They assumed it was a delayed reaction from the yellow-jacket sting. I was given heavy drugs. While waiting to pick up my prescription, sitting next to seko with my head on her shoulder, I had a dream about dying and going to hell. I was feeling guilty again about us and feared being separated from God.

All I could do was stagger around the house. I was completely spaced out on anti-inflamatory drugs and we had to drive to Charlottesville the next day. What could I do? I couldn't reach my tenants, and we still hadn't decided what to do with our Indiana visit...my mother would be operated on August 23, and seko couldn't stay in Indiana that long.

I confided in seko,"I'm so sorry I'm such a drag on my vacation with you. I wish I could be more romantic". She replied,"It's okay...I don't need that. I just like spending time together.

Ahhh!!! Take my bones!  Take my chew toys!  Just don't hurt me!  I'm just a Yorkie!!!>>> seko apololgizes to Kai for having him castrated>>> Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." The next morning I was in front of the computer and she was packing for the trip and I had no idea what was going on. seko asked me to find her a flight so she could fly back from Indiana seperate from me. I stared into space...I heard what she said but I could put the words into action.

Finally she said,"I'm going by myself!" She got a rental car and I looked at her, glazed over and said,"Are you going to break up with me?" She said,"I'm not the one for you..." She was very upset, went flying out of the house mumbling something about guys asking her out and I mumbled,"It's too much...we need to make it more casual", to which she replied,"I can't waste my time!" She drove my car to her apartment. I paced around my house for two hours, confused. Then she returned, I drove her to the rental car place and she was gone.