<<<previous<<<phoenixSeptember 1, 2002

The first thing I found out when I returned to Virginia was I'd be moving to the Air and Space Expeditionary Force Center. It was my third unit since I arrived at Langley in October 1994 and I was tired of the 30th Intelligence Squadron after nearly four years of struggling there. I'd had enough. I cleared my desk, outprocessed and ran as fast as I could. No goodbyes, no parties, no hugs...I wasn't in the butt-kissing mood.
The Yellow-Jackets were still living under that shrub in my front yard and still didn't like me. I poured gasoline all over the shrub, killed them, killed the shrub, left the block smelling of gasoline and left the dead shrub to show future Yellow Jackets what happens if they f-- with me. They sting me, I kill them and destroy their village.

Seko and I spoke on the phone a few times and talked of getting together. One plan we had was to get together for my first bicycle race of the year. She'd never seen me race. I offered to do many things together and phoned often but nothing ever came of it. She was always busy. When she told me she couldn't make the race I said,"It's okay, I didn't think you'd make it anyway". I didn't want to pressure her and knew she had to play in Williamsburg that day. I figured after our time apart we'd come back together refreshed but I missed her a lot. I wanted to get back together not because we felt pressure from the other person, but because we wanted it ourselves. I did well in the race considering I only trained hard two days in 2002 and had my bicycle set up more for comfort than speed. I rode my fourth fastest 40K (58:45) and was fourth.

When I returned I had an email from Seko about how sad she was that I didn't seem to want her to come and how she was sad when she drove by the exit to my house. I was amazed...I'd been making all the offers, I was the one who phoned her constantly, and just because I seemed indifferent, I was making the effort to get together. I felt she was avoiding me. On September 11, I phoned her again and she was having dinner 'a friend'. Later, in an email I accused her of being with another guy and she denied it but then said there was someone who 'wanted to be part of her life'. This started some heated email exchanges, mostly from me. She used to tell me she wanted to see my evil side, my humanity, and loved it when I was passionate. So I got passionate and told how I felt. I was extremely hurt. She was throwing everything away. She used to tell me she wasn't like other women but in the end I found she was EXACTLY like other women. She asked for the truth but only wanted to hear the good things, wanted me to change, wanted me to accept her flaws but would never accept mine. I never left her...I tried to make it work despite my problems and I was coming around now that my medication was finished. We had problems, but I never left. I stayed and I thought we could work through anything together. Now I knew why I felt she would abandon me...because she did.

Damaged bicycle for a damaged rider>>>