Emotional Suicide
<<<violet underground

February 3, 2003

So where do I go from here? I lost nine pounds overnight and crawled into work the next morning with stomach pain and barely able to function. I cried a lot, even at work, silently, when my back was turned, then claimed I had a cold. Just like Korea in 1998 when I was upset over Ha, my short term memory was shot. On Monday morning my boss greeted me and asked me what I'd done over the weekend. I couldn't remember anything.
And since I looked such a wreck, co-workers were talking about me and wondering if I wanted to kill myself. I drank, and drank, and drank. Wine was my best friend for a while and it helped me cry and kept my brain from wandering or just thinking too much. I'd have a little wine, call Hope, and we'd talk for hours while I consumed more wine. Hope was my closest human friend for about a month until I was able to suck it up and get my apetite back. Then I gave her life back to her.

On January 11, I checked out Seko's website and found she'd married on January 9, and to prove it, she had about 30 photos of her wedding in the house I helped her pick out. I was dying to know what she was doing but every time I'd look at her website I'd feel so horrible. I went to counseling at my church...then joined a divorce support group, but every time I attended I'd feel worse. It forced me to open wounds I was trying to close. So I just stopped going.

Hi I'm Presley...the radioactive mouse>>> What Mike?  You want to see how Gizmo's bite circumference compares to my head size, but why?>>>
Scott, a friend whom I supervised in 2000 and 2001 had a friend who'd just been released from prison, also named Scott (we'll call him Scott2) and he needed a place to stay. Scott asked if any of my rentals (I had six renters by now) had vacancies. Although I desperately needed to be alone, I told Scott no, but that I had an empty bedroom and bathroom in my house, and Scott2 could stay for free until he found a place. I'd heard somewhere once that the best thing to do when you are hurting is to help someone who is hurting. Scott and Scott2 and I had eaten lunch together before and Scott2 visited my office often in 2001 so I was familiar with him. He was harmless. Besides, I thought maybe I could someday write a book,"I Adopted an Ex-Con". Okay, maybe not.

One of the good things that came from Scott2 living with me was his lady friend needed him to take care of her puppy, a Chihuahua named Presley. She was so adorable, and about 1/4 the size of Gizmo. Gizmo loved to chew on her head.