After the bicycle race, I retreated to my room. It was raining heavily
and I'd gotten so wet and cold, I thought I might get
sick. The situation with Ha was getting to me--I was very upset, almost paralyzed with the fact I had a situation over which I had no power. I hadn't spoken to her on the phone since April 4th or had a conversation on chat since late April, so on May 17, perhaps to get her attention or maybe to free
myself to go on leave, or to feel I had some control, I emailed her to say I wasn't going to be around anymore. The next day I sent her a dozen roses. I know, I was nuts.
But there's more--Miimii (soon-to-be ex-wife), who said I could stay at the house during my vacation, suddenly changed her mind and wanted me to stay in a motel. She was afraid the lawyers would find out we were in the same house, and per Virginia rules, we had to be separated for a year to file for divorce. I told her it wasn't any of their f-ing business, because it wasn't, and because the snakes they call lawyers in Virginia only wanted to make money by turning us against each other and causing a court battle. We found the one lawyer who would not do that (a Christian, by the way). Mimi was paranoid, so concerned not to make waves. We fought through emails and phone calls, but I told her when I got back I was going to have a word with her f-ing lawyer. I deleted my entire ICQ chat buddy list (40 people) to see who would make an effort to contact me, to see who really cared.
To combat my sadness I tripled my bicycle mileage, and trained hard on the bicycle for the first time since I'd been in Korea, allowing no rest days to recover, intent on making myself as sick, numb, and tired as possible. I didn't want to feel any emotion. It worked. By June 1, I had a cold but was calm. My squadron begged me to run a 5 kilometer race on "Sports Day", an annual event where squadrons compete against each other to make their commanders and units look good. It was a big thing for us, and they knew I was doing well in my racing, so I was the obvious candidate to run. I said no, no, no, and then no, then absolutely not, and then, sick as a dog, tired from the bicycle miles, changed my mind. My entire squadron was there to see the ugly events unfold. I needed more ego points before I flew out to the United States on my month-long exile in Virginia.
My good friend Deena Myer shot these photos--thanks Deena! I was employing my subdued-clothing tactic, to make myself hard to see, and this particular shirt and shoes were the lightest and thinnest I owned. I rarely wore socks for short races--the tiny bit of extra reciprocating weight could cost me a race in a photo-finish. I forgot to take off the purple watch!