Where I Belonged
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June 8, 1998

I guess I should tell you about my vacation. I flew to Virginia on June 1st (my boss 'ordered' me to take leave) and hung out at the house with the cats for a few days while Miimii stayed with friends (still worried lawyers would find out we were in the same house). I phoned Ha many times but got a busy signal, and one time a male answer and I hung up. I had told her I was gone but I figured since I had a month of time and was so close, I'd be silly not to phone. Then one time I phoned and a man answered. I froze and hung up. It was not a fun time at all, and although it was nice to be back in the old house with the cats, I was depressed and had bouts of anger when I'd throw things. No one was hurt, and the damage to the home was cover-upable. Miimii never knew. Uh oh...I guess she does now.

On June 7, Miimii and I went to Seaford Baptist Church, in Seaford, Virginia. She'd left the Catholic church and was attending there and told me it was a great church so I went to see. The sermon that day started with the question,"If you could have dinner tonight with anyone in the world who would it be?" We went to the beach but there was nothing going on so we drove home. We got in a fight on the way back. I'd been in Virginia for almost

a week and we still had no divorce papers in the mail. Was I going to be in limbo forever? It was no wonder Ha cut me off--I was still married with no end in sight.
I ended up on the couch crying (this was my long awaited vacation) with Miimii, uncharacteristically hugging me, and after we cooled down Miimii said,"Why don't you call Ha again?" I wanted to wait a few days, but for some reason I called and a guy answered the phone. He said "I'll wake her up". My heart dropped. I had to at least meet her to bring closure and stop the humiliation I was feeling for loving a person I'd never met. We talked and she didn't even know I was in the states. I said,"I'm in Virginia and I'm coming to see you--when is a good time?" Her answer was,"Anytime!" so I said,"Give me directions and I'll see ya in a few hours". I asked about the guy indirectly and she said,"Oh yeah, I picked up a homeless".

I called my mother to cancel my visit, my old boss to cancel lunch with my old office, threw my bags in the car, and left within an hour, as Miimii tried to talk me out of it, saying,"But you don't know them--they may be on drugs!" When I arrived, Ha was sitting at the computer wearing big pajamas.

Ha World>>> She turned around, threw her arms up in the air and said,"This is Ha!" She looked like a little child. I thought,"This is the woman I fell for?" I gave her a hug but the guy, Brent, was there. I felt uneasy. She said,"I'm not a very touchy feely person ". Brent didn't hug her either. They did computer projects for her company together. She said he was very good with hardware.

She said,"I haven't bathed in three days". Ha was different and had a slight British accent which I never picked up on the phone. She didn't strike me as being pretty at first. It was a friendly meeting, and we both admitted we were looking each other over to see if that was really the person we thought we'd talked to on the computer months earlier. She told me I looked better than in my pictures but much thinner (she asked,"Did you bulk down?").

I brought in Lilies for her and she put them in the kitchen. A petal had fallen off so I picked it up and took a bite and she did too. It was good so we ate another. Then she went to her car and pulled out a stuffed moose and said,"I give these to all my friends who I don't see often". Cute...I put it in my back window of my car.
She gave a quick tour of the house, and I noticed that there was only one small bed, so I figured I'd just stay overnight and leave, but I never told her. One of the first things she said to me, unexpectedly when we were talking was,"I'm not ready for a serious relationship", looking right at me. I think she was trying to answer one of the questions she knew was flooding my brain that I didn't want to ask.