September 7, 1986...
On September 5th I bought my very first car, a 1985 Honda Civic for $5500, which I named Humphrey. With a whopping SIXTY horsepower, no air-conditioning, and four forward speeds, he could reach 150 miles an hour if you drove him off a cliff, although I must admit *blush* I was never brave enough to get him up to that speed. He weighed 1887 pounds, so when I wanted to save gas I'd just take him for a walk, although he got 53 miles to the gallon of gas if I babied him enough. Care and feeding were minimal. I loved him like I loved my right hand. I didn't know how to drive a stick shift so my friend Dan Baker taught me. I learned quickly and within a week the embarrassment stopped.

The next year, I taught my brother Darrel how to drive one too. Humprey's stick got real sore.

My parents were nervous as hell! They thought I'd be killed in my new machine, or get my head lopped off or something. I'd taken the summer off to have a little fun, and fall classes were starting the next day! At this point I had no transportation, winter was near, and riding my bicycle in a foot of snow was out of the question. So I told my frightened parents I'd try once to drive to school through the big city, and if I got lost at all I'd cancel school. I got lost and didn't return to school for 19 years. I'm a very loyal son.

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Hi, my name is Humphrey and I'm frigid>>>