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November 4, 1997

I scribbled what I thought would be a good separation agreement in a notebook, and when I drove back to Virginia, I showed it to Miimii. She said,"That's good". She said she couldn't be married anymore because my sister was pregnant. THAT is why she told me she couldn't be married. No mention of anything I'd done was all about my sister, after nearly seven years of marriage. While Miimii tried to make me spend my last six weeks prior to Korea in the dormitories on base, she still wanted me to initiate divorce proceedings. I told her since all of our paperwork was at the house, the only way I'd start anything was if she let me stay in the house.
I wasn't about to drive 22 miles in heavy traffic every time I needed a piece of paper, and I wasn't going to spend my last six weeks alone in a room with no phone, TV, or outside communications. She agreed--I took an extra upstairs bedroom.

In the first few days she was very mean, which made me very angry--she acted like she was a victim and couldn't understand why she had to share the house with me. Then, after she got over it, we got along great, actually better than before. We were good friends--we went out together and went to church together and laughed and laughed.

It's not getting any better is it?>>>
But I became very emotional at this point. My feelings for Amanda were crazy and I thought I was falling in love. She was the only person I felt I could talk to, but, she now had a boyfriend for me to compete with. Lousy timing...
I tried to fit into some of the social gatherings with my squadron. I rarely socialized outside of work, mostly because Miimii rarely went to any social events and I believe we should socialize together, so I didn't want to isolate her. Now here I was, trying to build bonds of friendship in less than six weeks.

It started out bad. First, I was made a security guard at work for a week, which required me to work alone, then I had a severe reaction to a Yellow-Fever vaccination. I got very sick, lost nine pounds in 12 hours, and couldn't eat for three days. Miimii took care of me, but I lost a lot of strength . I was so weak I crawled up the stairs to my room. It was six months before I could eat right again.

I went to two-step dance practice with Mr. Collins from work. A few co-workers were there every week, including Amanda, so I thought it would be fun. But I never got to dance with anyone but Mr. Collins and a lady who looked to be in her 60's. Everyone already had partners. I felt so alone.
I tried Tuesday bowling with the same result. People already had teams and I only bowled once. I felt very out of place. Often I'd get there and find I couldn't bowl, and rather than leave hurt, I would have a beer to force myself to stay (I can't drive after one beer) and try to socialize. One night, after the beer wore off, I walked out, and began crying. I cried all the way home, walked in the house, and sat on the couch for two hours, crying non stop. It was comforting. Miimii was worried. I couldn't stop...the tears kept coming, until my brother called, and I composed myself.

I asked Amanda to drive me to the airport for my flight out to Korea and she said yes. On November 2, by agreement, Miimii went shopping and I sat on the stairs with my luggage, and Moo...she was very quiet. I talked to her and explained Mommy didn't want Daddy to live with her and Lunch anymore. Moo made a few low moans, as if she understood me and seemed like a very sad kitty. Amanda pulled up and I was off. Amanda gave me a big hug as I borded my plane (I sneaked a kiss on the cheek) and my solitary confinement had begun. Landing in Korea 12 hours later, before I showered, slept, unpacked or anything, I shot these. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be kicked out of my life, to have the carpet pulled out from under me...almost like I knew what it meant to be crucified.

My God, why have you forsaken me?>>>