As fate would have it, with me being in Korea and Ha being 7000 miles
away, she disappeared. From mid February to mid March I felt we'd had gotten pretty
close, but the distance outlasted the feelings. I still felt the same...I
was in love, as best as I could tell. There was something so different, so
special about her. She was brilliant. These are some of the last goofy pictures I took for her.
Ha started an internet business in late March and I tried to help from
Korea but eventually she stopped showing up on the net. She'd drop in every
now and then and told me she'd get me dates for the Belgium trip but never
did and then disappeared again. My feelings of humiliation grew with every day as Matt kept asking me
when I was taking leave, because I had to take 30 days. I didn't know
because Ha hadn't told me anything about when she could meet me there. It was like all the hurts were surfacing all over again, all of those I longed for--Audrey in gradeschool to highschool, Cathy, Karen who I followed to Japan--and now Ha. Why could I never win the one who I thought of night and day? Why did I always feel I had to settle?
Matt and I did another 5 kilometer race and sure enough, some Army guy
came down from Yongsan Army post in Seoul and beat me again. Once in February, Matt and
I were going to take a bus up to Yongsan to race but the bus tickets were
sold out, so after this second defeat in the 5K, whenever a 5K was
scheduled at Osan, Matt and I would joke about buying up all the bus tickets to
Osan to keep the army guys out and ensure my victory.
On May 9, I volunteered to go to Seoul and help in a "Little Sisters of the Poor" convent, doing odd chores for the nuns there. It was fun, but I was upset because I couldn't work outside. I had repeatedly asked them to let me work outside, and it was me and one other person who ended up inside washing windows. Was I completely invisible? Did anyone even hear my voice anymore? I was becoming more and more angry at everyone. I was extremely tired of being minimalized in every aspect of my life. One of the girls on the trip seemed to like me but I didn't care. I wanted to be outside, to see sun, to feel alive like I felt when I was talking with Ha. I'd become very sensitive and emotional.
There was this little bicycle race on May 16. It was only 12
miles, and I hadn't planned on doing it because with me having a road bike, being very strong,
and most people at Osan having mountain bikes, I'd have an
unfair advantage. But when the situation with Ha keep getting worse I needed to show those who kept minimalizing me that it was a two-way street. I was the strongest rider on base no matter what I was riding, and I was going to prove
it by humiliating everyone. And that's exactly what I did. I wanted REVENGE